XX.

i suppose the past 2 weeks was the most emotionally trying period for me. it was so bad i think i suffered a mild depression and it made it even worse because i didn't know who to turn to, or who i could tell because i thought i was such a freak and i was afraid the people around me will start judging me for the abnormality that i was.

i remembered crying everytime i thought about it and wondering what if the results were exactly what i imagined it to be, that i wasn't as normal or average as i'd like to be and out of the few hundred thousands in the world, i'd be the lucky one who was marked a half and half. i was afraid of being labeled "freak" and thought i might even appear on newspaper for being one of the rare few cases that lived. and i remembered praying so hard, that i'll give anything just to be average and normal like the rest. like why me?

then i was thinking why unlike other 19 year olds, i had so much shit happening in my life. i had to worry about my test results, and university and other matters. i almost felt as if i was too young to handle such issues and was even contemplating suicidal thoughts. i blamed my mum for what i am and i remembered arguing with my dad when he wanted to discuss what i wanted to do if the test results weren't what i hoped. yet, i managed to pull through and the test results were good.

thankfully. for now, everything seems to be going well and i hope it'll remain as that because it really really sucks when you wake up everyday with this heavy weight in your heart and then every night before you go to bed, that same feeling comes back again to haunt you in your dreams.

i suppose you won't understand whatever i've just written so don't bother asking cos i'm not comfortable answering.